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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.