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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.