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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
Iām glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.