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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, Iām slowly getting over it.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.