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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Don’t believe everything you think.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.