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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together