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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.