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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.