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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.