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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.