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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, Iām calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.