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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"