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Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.