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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.