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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?