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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?