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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I hate when the remote is way over there
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.