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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I need more people like me in my life
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.