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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`