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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.