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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.