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How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.