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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?