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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.