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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.