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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.