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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I like people... From a distance.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.