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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.