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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.