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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.