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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.