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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!