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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!