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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.