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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.