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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING