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I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.