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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.