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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.