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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.