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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?