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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
pudding... thats always a funny word
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.