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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.