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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.