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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.