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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.