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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.