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The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....