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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.