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Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Remember when the world ended last year?
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Soup of the day: Beer
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.