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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.