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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.