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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.