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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.