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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.