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The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.