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My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!