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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.