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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?