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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?