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BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.