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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...