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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.