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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.