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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.