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I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!