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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!