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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.