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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.