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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.