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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.