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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?