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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
Save time. See it my way.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...